We are in each other’s care.
Knowing what your partner needs in terms of support is important. Do they need you to listen and reflect back what you heard? Do they need reassurance that they will get through this? Would they like you to validate their thoughts or feelings?
The continuum of support giving bleeds into being a surrogate therapist when the appropriate amount of listening or validating becomes a weekly or ongoing issue that never changes. Or, when a partner wants to vent but the venting becomes overwhelming or a burden to their partner. Or, when that venting becomes the only thing they talk about.
Be aware of not to lean on therapy type of questions like, “What’s coming up for you?” “How are you feeling about that?” Or, “Does this relate to something in your childhood?”
Instead, empathize and add compassion. Resist fixing them. Trust that your reassurance and presence is the best fix:
“I’m right here with you.”
“What you said makes sense to me.”
“I’d be feeling similarly.”
“I’m so sorry this happened, can I hold you?”
“Let me know what I can do for you.”
“I imagine this is frustrating and overwhelming for you. “
What I see a lot is one partner trying to make their partner be different or saying they ‘should’ feel different or act different. Additionally one partner may give advice without asking if their partner wants that kind of input.
Partners can draw a boundary around mutual support by:
1) Asking first, “Do you want help with this?”
2) Ask their partner before sharing, “Do you have time to hear my concerns around my job?”
3) Set a time limit for under 20 minutes
4) Keep the support giving and support seeking to ONE SUBJECT only at a time.
If a partner feels their spouse or partner needs professional help, it’s important to have this be a talk that applies to both partners: “Can we talk about how each of us would like to hear a suggestion about seeking professional counseling? And maybe too what outside help would mean for our relationship?”
Lastly, I’ve seen where seeking out therapy can be helpful to both partners. I suggest couples get a personal therapist so they have someone available if something happens in life that they need professional guidance.