Couples Counseling
Are you feeling frustrated with each other and wondering if it’s always going to be this difficult?
Does it seem like you keep circling around the same argument over and over again?
Have you found yourself wondering where the gooey lovey-dovey stuff went
and if it’s possible to get it back?
A love relationship is one of the most challenging endeavors we can undertake. And that’s precisely the point—it’s a choice. Love is a verb. Both of you must make efforts to cultivate the love you desire.
To love someone means confronting their reactive parts and your own. It entails experiencing judgment from both sides. You’ll think they’re annoying, and they will think the same of you.
You may have attempted vulnerability by asking for what you needed and your partner either denied your feelings or shut down, making you feel wrong for speaking up.
All humans are defensive and quick to deny wrongdoing. We have learned to protect ourselves from painful feelings. We often fear rejection and may inadvertently lead with judgment, criticism, blame, and shame as protective stances.
To feel loved, cared for, seen, and heard, we must learn to detach ourselves from defensive and protective measures. It’s essential to acknowledge our own ineffective strategies and take corrective action when misunderstandings arise or tensions escalate.
So where do we start?
It all starts with the realization that something needs to change. I imagine that’s why you’re reading this. You find yourself in a relationship that requires assistance. Perhaps you’re bickering with each other, or maybe even giving each other the cold shoulder.
I’ve been in that place before, and I understand how frustrating it can be. I’m here to assist both of you in navigating your way out of the maze and back into a positive direction.
Fights, disagreements and silences often stem from misunderstandings, missed cues from each other, and vulnerabilities being triggered.
Yes, both of you require new skills. Additionally, an open mind is essential so that I can assist you in recognizing where you can personally improve. There are ways to prevent exacerbating the conflict between you.
If you're willing to stretch, you can…
- Spot conflicts earlier and address them promptly.
- Infuse interactions with more humor, playfulness, and curiosity.
- Experience more connection, intimacy and safety.
- Learn how to support each other effectively
- Feel emotionally, spiritually and sexually connected.
- Make clear agreements so you protect the relationship.
- Repair disagreements, conflicts and triggers within 24 hours.
- Express hurt or fear without making each other wrong.
You want someone who understands you and cares about you—a need that originated in childhood and persists into adulthood.
AND YET…
Your brain is naturally wired to search for possible threats. This response originates automatically at the subcortical level of your brain. (Fight, Flight, Fix Response System).
Children require acceptance, praise, safety, openness, and curiosity from their parents. However, most of us received some but not all of what we needed to feel loved, cared for, and safe.
Often, we felt scared, unsure, and unsafe. Similar to a wild animal learning to protect itself from danger, you developed defensive behaviors (Childhood Adaptaions) to shield yourself from situations or people that felt threatening.
Your brain also formed interpretations about yourself, your parents, and relationships based on a child’s perspective. This is why it’s crucial to consciously develop our Wise Adult behaviors.
These behaviors serve to counteract the automatic protective measures that may be causing harm to you, your partner, and your relationship.
Why is this important?
Your mind might disrupt your capacity to accept love from others and to reciprocate love in the manner they require. These reactions can create distance between you and your partner, leading to patterns of distrust and caution.
That’s why we approach everything with the awareness that most negative reactions stem from automatic, protective processes in your emotional brain (not your logical brain).
I’ll support both of you in learning how to slow down, establish agreements, and create a safe space to discuss difficult topics. This will help reduce the tendency for automatic threat responses to dominate the interaction.
While we can’t alter the past, we have the power to transform how you approach the present moment with increased awareness, kindness, and curiosity. As you both engage in this process for each other, you’ll cultivate a deeper sense of safety, love, and ease in your relationship.
When you embrace the WillingtoLove mindset, you transcend your past, redesign your communication skillset, reaffirm the value of your relationship, and reignite the initial spark that united you.
You’re here to evolve and flourish. You deserve to live in alignment with your Adult Wise self and thrive within a safe and secure relationship container.
Our relationships with our caretakers greatly influence the type of partners we are drawn to. This is because our brain is naturally attracted to the familiar, even if what's familiar is painful or triggering.