Counseling

Are you frustrated with each other and wondering if it’s always going to be this difficult?

Does it feel like you keep circling around the same argument over and over?

Have you wondered where the gooey lovey-dovey stuff went and is it possible to get it back?

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Love is one of the hardest things we can choose to do. And that’s the point actually.
It’s a choice. 

To love someone means you run up against their reactive parts and your own. It means you’ll judge them and they’ll judge you. You’ll think they’re annoying, and they will think the same of you. These are the ways we all protect ourselves. This is the way we defend ourselves.
We judge, critique, blame and shame each other. 

And those things will never ever lead us to what we really want and need.
To feel loved, cared for, seen and heard. 

So what can you do about it?

It begins with the awareness that something has got to change. I’m guessing that’s why you’re reading this. You’re in a relationship that needs some help. You are bickering with each other, or worse yet, giving each other the cold shoulder. In any case, I’ve been there and I know it’s frustrating puzzle. I’m here to help you both navigate your way out of the maze and back into a positive direction.

I’m here to watch how you fight and argue and SLOW YOU BOTH DOWN. Why? Because fights are about misunderstandings, missing cues from each other and messing with each other’s vulnerabilities.

I’ve got a huge toolbox of options for you both to try with each other. They are simple tools too. They are based in our biological and mental wiring so you don’t keep pouring gas on the flames between you.

When you both show up willing to do the work, you can… 

  • Experience more connection, intimacy and safety.
  • Spot conflict sooner and stop it sooner.
  • Relate using more humor, play and curiosity. 
  • Become TEAM players and trust each other.
  • Read your partner’s mood and know what to do. 
  • Feel emotionally, spiritually and sexually connected.
  • Make clear agreements so you protect the relationship.
  • Repair disagreements, conflicts and triggers within 24 hours. 
  • Express hurt or fear without making each other wrong. 

You want someone who knows how to take care of you. You needed this as a kid. And you need it still.

AND YET… 

Your brain is hard-wired to look for threat. Your childhood threat response system is based on what you didn’t get from your parent/s or caregiver/s. For example, children need acceptance, praise, safety, openness and curiosity from their parents.

Most of us got some but not all of what we needed to feel loved, cared for and safe. Often in fact, we felt scared, unsure and unsafe. And like a wild animal that learns to protect itself from unsafe situations, you learned behaviors that would protect you from situations or people that feel threatening. Your brain also made interpretations about yourself, your parents and about relationships based on a child’s perspective. 

Why is this important to the work we do together?

Because your mind actually interferes with you being able to accept love from others and give love to others (in the way they need it from you). You, and all humans, can react in ways that push away the people closest to you. 

This is why we will frame everything we do with the awareness that most negative reactions are automated from your brain. I’ll teach you both how to help regulate each other’s emotions — providing a feeling of “you are safe here” — so the threat response diminishes more quickly for you both. 

When you do this for each other, you’ll feel safer, more loved and more at ease. 

This is what Willing To Love is all about: Overcoming your past, redesigning how you communicate, redefining why this relationship is worth the effort, and reconnecting to the original spark that brought you together. 

Our relationship with our caretakers impact the type of partners we are drawn to because our brain is attracted to the familiar even if what's familiar is painful or triggering.